Mute

The one good thing about being on mute the whole day is that I can write. Not better, but I suppose it is the one way to puke everything out, isn't it? I am thankful I met Sean that day in the past. I'm glad I learned ASL. The little bit I learnt. I've always been in between sounds and silence. I don't know, how vane are words some times. I'd love to be active now, and just go chillin around but no. It seems my soul has get used to be on mute, lately. And it's like the sun is just outside, shining just because. I haven't said hello. Its warmness kills me everytime I face it. And not just ransom notes keep falling off my mouth. There is no randomness anymore. The air is just filled with music. With sounds bouncing in my mind. Making it roam, once again.

And there it goes the sun, and the night, and the moon smiling like every day of my life. Taking me to somewhere else. Somewhere at the other world. Somewhere dry. Somewhere where nights are always shiny and where the sun doesn't burn. Somewhere where it's always spring and autumn. Sadly, that just happens when my eyes are wide shut. In that moment I can soar in peace. Like everyone, isn't it? And there's no mathematical equation, no biological experiment, no synonim in no thesaurus ever. No spoken word. No song ever written... No performance ever performed. No rose ever bloomed in no field. It is like an everlasting feeling never felt before.

There is no world outside, is it? I don't believe so. We would have seen it before, don't you think? But prolly, we could find something else than that old notebook we found yesterday. We can play hide and seek today. It's not raining, and the tree we planted is already grown up. I watered it a lot. And it is getting bored because we don't play outside anymore. I know there are a lot of things missing in the yard, but it is still there... and we are still here. I think we can open the window. It's not noisy anymore. I never thought the noise was that annoying though. I liked to read books. I really used to. til everything else vanished. Was it the weather? I don't think so. I wish there was somebody outside to ask. I think we can find someone though. If you just would stand up. I don't understand your fear... because you are afraid of something, aren't you? I know you better than you think.

I saw a movie. And I don't see many movies. Not because I don't like to. It's just I need to be in certain mood. I love them... and I don't like to replace boredom for movies. Thing is there was this kid stuck in some other kid's house. And the grandpa, thinking this kid was his actual grandchild, said: I push you hard because I love you. So, when the kid finally met his stressful mother he said: Mom, I know you push me hard because you love me. And it's not like I feel that my mom pushes me hard. Or that I do not know she loves me... but I felt something within my heart. Something strange, but just like the silly love songs I've been listening to, it took my breath away and gave me chills for a moment. Even though the movie is over, those songs are being tuned in a loop all over again. Something bad I think... but that's the way it is.

I gladly would go right now, in a walk thru the lights this city is surrounded by. But it's too noisy. It's meaningless. Just like everything I am writing. Senseless, right? But everything else dissapeared. Words vanished from my books. And I don't need to use fancy pompous hi-sounding words. And I don't need someone to read this. In fact, I won't read it again, as usual.

But what are we gonna do outside? It might be quite, but the noise will come anyway. It is always noisy. That's why the notebook had that lock, remember? You shouldn't have broke that. We don't have locks here. What if we find another notebook... or even worse, a book? I'm tired of erasing words from them. And obviously you won't do it. You are just thinking in your tree. Did you know that all of those books were made from trees like yours? We should fire it. There are no many trees left out there. They vanished as well. I wish we vanish as well. Just like clouds in the sky. I wish we were water. We wouldn't stink. We wouldn't have a nasty flavor. We wouldn't have a colour to be distinguished. The worst think that could happen is that we could evaporate because of the heat... and I'd love that. I could finally meet the stars.

Nevertheless, this boring mingle of meaningless words mean something to me. And there is no fairy tale that could heal my wounds. I kind of enjoy having them. Not because I like the pain, but they are like part of my memories. I just keep salt away. And I don't have a magic carpet anymore. I didn't lose it. I just cannot use it. It's mad at me...

I don't want you to keep erasing words. I don't think we are gonna find another book outside. We gathered them all. And, in fact, I want to read that notebook. That's why I broke the lock. You can try to fix it if you want to. But I really think is does say something else that noise. I don't know... I want to believe. But I want to go out first. I don't want to vanish. Do you remember that roas we found? I think it could take us to somewhere. I don't know... what else could happen if there is nothing outside? We will have to build it again. I will not stay in this place. I'll wait for you by the tree. It needs to be watered.

I still think life is a soundtrack. I will always think so. It is like an endless musical. the part just get re arranged evertime we go around the corner. And it will never shuts up... even though our mouth is on mute because the sky looks different from where we are. It's up to us not to let it/us go...